Cream Cheese
by Lord Dionysus
Summary: When one of Brittany's favorite pets dies, It is up to Artie and Santana to fix the problem before their favorite blonde is devastated. Chaos follows. Please review


Cream Cheese

Artie wheeled himself into his girlfriend's bedroom. On top of their weekly making out, Artie tutored his girlfriend in math, and she was getting better.

"We'll start in a minute, Artie. I just got to feed Cream Cheese", Brittany hummed. Cream Cheese was Brittany's fat hamster that she'd had since she was 8. What made the hamster so funny was not its obesity but the fact that it was a coal black hamster. It looked nothing like Cream Cheese. Brittany opened the cage and was waving a piece of lettuce and the chubby furball.

"Oh, Cream Cheese! You still asleep?" No response. "Okay, then. I'll just leave this leafy treat for you next to your water." Brittany did just that.

Artie noticed, though, tht the hampster ws sleeping on its side. He found this very peculiar

"Britt, how long has Cream Cheese been asleep for?"

"Oh, just for three days. He's probably hibernating. I'm going to get us some ice tea." She kissed her boyfriend on the cheek and headed off to the kitchen. Artie wheeled himself over to Cream Cheeses cage, examining it. It was clear the hamster was dead. Artie started to feel worried. Brittany was innocent (well, not so innocent when he wore his blue suspenders-then she was bad). But regardless, if she knew her favorite pet was dead she would be devastated. The girl still believed in Santa Clause, for crying out loud. Artie decided to calmly explain that her hamster was now in heaven or wherever hamsters go. It was then that Brittany's pink bedside phone rang.

Artie picked it up. "Hello?"

"Hey, wheels, where's Britt? I need to talk to her", Santana asked. She had learned to be nicer to Artie, possibly because he was the boyfriend of her best friend/crush.

"She'll be right back in a minute", Artie explained.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"I have to explain to Britt that her hamster died", he confessed.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN DEAD? CREAM CHEESE IS DEAD?" Santana shouted.

"Yeah…Why are you yelling?"

"Artie, you don't understand. Britt gets extremely emotionally attached to her pets. When her parakeet, Pineapple, died she cried for two weeks straight", Santana informed, calmer but still frantic.

"Okay, then what should we do?" Artie asked worried.

"Distract her. I'm gonna buy another hamster, because eventually that thing's gonna start to smell and that may tip her off", Santana surmised, brilliantly. She hung up. Artie was nervous. And even more nervous when Brittany walked into the room. She held two glasses filled to the brim with lemonade.

"Thanks, Britt. I really appreciate it", Artie said nervously as she handed him his glass. "Oh, Cream Cheese, are you still sleeping? Well that's enough of that, it's time to wake up", Brittany ordered. She was walking over to the cage when Artie said franticly "Uh, Britt, sweetie? Could I have a cookie? I'm really hungry."

Brittany smiled. "Okey dokey", and she walked off back to the kitchen.

"Phew!", Artie gasped as he wiped the sweat from his brow. His cellphone rang, and as he answered. The voice of Santana could be heard.

"Okay, Artie. I'm at the pet store right now. Just keep Britt stalled; I should be over in ten minutes." The sounds of birds in cages and the bark of a dog or two barking was evidence enough that she really was in the pet store.

"What do you mean you don't sell black hamsters? What, are you some kind of hamster racist? A black hamster is not good enough to be in your shop? You make me sick,!...And quit starring at my chest, pervert!" Santana was obviously yelling at the cashier or manager. Artie could hear his sobs from the line.

"Keep her distracted, Artie. I need a little more time", Santanna spat into the phone. And with that she hung up.

"Oh, crap! What am I gonna do?" Artie groaned.

Just then Brittany came in with a small plate of Artie's favorite sugar cookies with green sprinkles. "Here you go, Artie. Your favorite cookies", she smiles. Now to wake up mister sleepy heady in his cage"

"Uh, Britt? Could you tell me the nutrition facts for the cookies? I don't want to be pudgy for my girl", Artie tried. Britt gave him a quizzical look, then she smiled and for the third time left the room. He then called Santana, scared out of his mind.

"Hey San. This is Artie. She wants to try to wake Cream Cheese up; I cant stall her for much longer!"

"Don't trouble yourself, Professor X. I've taken care of it, I got the stupid hamster and am on my way."

the ex-cheerio then screamed, "WHAT? HEY, THAT GUY JUST GRABBED MY HAMPSTER! GET BACK HERE, YOU ASS HO-". Santana disconnected.

"What the hell?" Artie thought.

"Artie? I'm having trouble finding the box. I think Charity took it out of spite", Brittany called.

"Take your time", Artie called nervously. A few minutes later, Santana called. "Sorry about that, wheels. Some jack ass tried to take Cream Cheese two, so I had to go Lima Heights adjacent on his ass", she explained.

"Well, hurry, San! Brittany is getting suspicious.

"OH, CRAP! HE GOT OUT OF HIS CAGE! OH, NO, NOT IN THE STREET! COME BACK HERE", Santana yelled, The sound of horns and vehicles crashing into each other made Artie almost hysteric.

"Santana? HELLO! SANTANNA!"

"Who was that?". Artie turned to see his girlfriend.

"Oh, nothing", he said nervously.

"Sorry, Artie. I couldn't find the box. I was thinking…let's forget studying for an hour or so… and let's just worry 'bout some lovin'". Brittany sat on his lap and was about to kiss him when-

"Oh, wait! I forgot about Cream Cheese! ill do that first."

Artie had nothing to stop her with. This was gonna be bad.

Then, "BRING! BRING!" It was the doorbell. With a huff, Brittany descended the stairs. It was then that a figure appeared in her bedroom window. It was Santana. She drudgingly went inside. Her hair was a mess and her stockings were torn., And her jacket had blood and dirt on it.

"Oh, my God, Santana! You ok?", Artie asked shocked.

"Yeah. It's not my blood", she answered. She presented a small cage. She retrieved the dead hamster and replaced it with a skinny living one."

"Okay, I rang the doorbell. Brittany should think it's the invisible man harassing her again. I will see you later, you so owe me." It was then sirens could be heard. Police sirens, in fact.

"If anyone asks, you didn't see me. I was home all day."

"What did you do?" Artie gasped.

"Oh, nothing. Just beat a guy up and caused a small pileup. Anyway, got to go!" Santana booked it just in time. Brittany came in and saw Cream Cheese all fluffy and happy.

"Oh, Cream Cheese! You're awake! Yay!", she cheered.

"Now about that extra activity", smiled Artie.

"In one minute, Artie. I have to feed my turtle, Lambchop. He's been sleeping, or hibernating, for two weeks now. I'm gonna have to give him a bath; he's starting to smell."


End file.
